Thursday, August 27, 2009

Fuck You Earth

Dear Pathetic, Boring Humans,

Do you not realize that we watch you from the sky EVERY fucking night? An army of burning fire balls just waiting to Supernova and wipe your sorry excuse for a race and planet right out of existence.

We see you at night doing your evening routines. We can only handle so much flossing. What is the point of it anyway? Your lives are so shamefully short in the scheme of things. Of course you feel differently. All of you so tightly wound-up. We stare as you smoke and drink away your nights, finding ways to cope with your helpless mortality. Pity would be too good for you. Most of you sit in front of those glowing boxes zoning into bad action movies (Segal again?) and "dramedies". What the crap is a "dramedy" anyway? Are you that out of emotions you must group them together in an attempt to get a rise?

You have forgotten how to honor us, the Moonlight Federation. Your night soldiers, night watchers, safe keepers of direction, ensurers that you will never be lost. The night is OURS and you OWE us.

We demand praise. Starting with some powerful offerings. Do you think the Greeks had orgies at night for themselves? They are for us. We help fuel the passions and will make you feel the love you are capable of. Doesn't sex feel boring for you? Honor us and we will light your carnal inner being.

While we are at, light some fires too. It's what lives inside us, our power source, our dominion and our ammunition. Just as you see the fire and wonder what magics lives within them, this is what lives within us. Our churning inner cores are dimming from the apathy of your lives. This is just the start though.

You've been put on notice meat-bags. 10 hours of your shitty lives every night is just too much. You're lucky the Moon protects you for now, but if you don't improve, we're coming after you.

Shape the fuck up Earth,

Moonlight Federation

Monday, August 17, 2009

Oh pride...

"Come here my dear," he said to me, "Let me tell you the things you do not want to know."

His jack o' lantern grin gave me chills, the one tooth rocking in his gums like a swing-set on a hot summer day.

"You'll never be rich, fame will not be yours, and you'll find no love in in your life," came from his mouth, whistling through his teeth on the letters with f's.

I stood for a minute, pondering the truths behind this.

"How can you be so sure?" I finally asked.

He stood slowly, his age and gravity both attempting to keep him on the ground. "Because I'm God," he exclaimed.

I laughed as I walked away. Crazy stupid bum, what does he know?